Sunday, June 12, 2011

You can always count on HAL 9000

When challenged with finding the right words in almost any given (and possibly stressful) situation, you can always turn to the brilliance of HAL 9000, the super computer featured in Arthur C. Clarke's and Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Drive your tormentors nuts with these icy responses best delivered in a HAL 9000 intellectual monotone.

Let's say you've been told that your work (on the job, at home) isn't quite up to speed. Reply:

"I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do."

If a co-worker or customer starts yelling about the failings of program, website or any other computer generated mechanism that you've developed, just say:

"It can only be attributable to human error."

Say that you are on the unfortunate end of gossip and you need to confront the person talking smack, go here:

"Although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move."

And finally, when someone is ramping up and their anger is starting to reach levels of out-of-control insanity, tell them:

"I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over."

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